Alltel does a bang up job, announces record profits

Who knew? Alltel, the little cell company with more "heart" than actual customers has posted its quarterly profit report. Lo and behold, things seem to be looking quite rosy. The company announced a 51% increase in profits! This increase is due in large part to the more than 200,000 new customers that the company has added over the last quarter. This spits squarely in the face of many analysts who predicted that Alltel would only net between 112,000 and 195,000 new suckers. Take that, analysts. Consequently, the company’s stock is surging. Nothing like bucking miserably low expectations to impress the masses…If only Fred Thompson would take a page out of Alltel’s playbook. What does the future hold for them? Well, the stock surge is of little consequence, as the company was recently purchased by a group of private investors, but we’d certainly welcome a competent challenger to the current "Big 4".

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